#source/book

Women With Attention Deficit Disorder

However, even if you have had challenges all your life, they may have been masked by structure or support or because you were very smart or creative. You may have compensated all your life in ways that kept the symptoms under control, or you may have self-medicated without knowing that's what you were doing. — location: 442

AD/HD Does NOT = A Deficit of Attention Instead it means attention irregularity and inconsistency. This includes difficulties with the following: Distractibility or excessive shifting of attention. Activating, deploying, and directing one's attention. Containing and maintaining one's attention. Screening out unimportant matters from one's attention. And contrary to the meaning of deficit, there are many positives attributes that tend to come along with AD/HD, including a surplus of ideas, creativity, excitement, and interest. — location: 516

Instead it means a dis-regulation of activity and arousal levels that involves extremes of activity levels from high to low or from hyperactive to "hypoactive," or what I call overly underactive. — location: 525

women often internalize their difficulties rather than acting them out, which may result in depression or anxiety. — location: 532

Other kinds of neurological, psychological, and physical disorders such as head injuries, thyroid imbalances, post-traumatic stress disorder to name a few can account for the same kinds of symptoms and must be ruled out. Family or environmental conditions such as growing up with a chaotic family life, an abusive home, a mentally ill parent, or an alcoholic family can all contribute to such intermittent symptoms. Sometimes a person can have had these family backgrounds and also have AD/HD; — location: 548

The conditions you might actually see as a result of these symptoms in the lives of adults with AD/HD are as follows: Disorganization Emotional reactivity Under-achievement Low self-esteem Impaired relationships Depression — location: 557

On the other hand, as a compensation some people spend an inordinate amount of time organizing to the detriment of their relationships and enjoyment of life. They may look organized to others, but that is not the criteria by which to judge the struggle. Instead, it is the process they go through to achieve this level of organization that must be explored and understood in order to fully appreciate the impact and impairment. — location: 567]

It is a myth, however, that if you have AD/HD you cannot go to college, get an advanced degree, or achieve success. — location: 575

Others were withdrawn and shy, not causing problems at all. Some couldn't get off the couch, direct their energy from an idea to take action, or mobilize themselves. — location: 643

many wanted to be independent and on their own but were vulnerable to falling into an abyss of emptiness without any structure at all. Most of them felt trapped and blamed themselves. Most of them, by the time they were adults (especially if not diagnosed early on), had some deeply embedded notion that a character defect or fatal flaw was at the source of their problems. — location: 650

I was able to see that on the one hand, the women were very motivated to help themselves. On the other hand, the moment they tried to ask for an accommodation at school or at home, these women froze. They couldn't go any further. For example, at school they might have wanted more time on an assignment, at work they might want to move to a quieter area, or at home they might have desired help with the piles and clutter. But they hit a wall of shame, guilt, or embarrassment so strong that it needed to be understood, and worked through first before they could employ the strategies suggested for organizational difficulties. — location: 664

I could continue to achieve but get overloaded and buried, eventually hitting an organizational wall so hard that I would have to change course. — location: 699

On the other hand, though, just because a girl is a good student and is thought of as smart, doesn't mean she doesn't have AD/HD! It may just mean one of the following: (a) processing speed may not be one of her problems, (b) she may have a good support system, (c) she may be working extraordinarily hard to do a good job, or (d) her difficulties might impact other areas of her life more than academics. These will probably show up later in life. — location: 768

I feel that women have to understand that being able to keep your house a certain way or staying organized a certain way isn't the sign of whether you're grown up or mature. — location: 1228

She asks herself the questions, "Why can't I get it together? Why am I so undisciplined? Why do I say I'm going to do something and then can't do it? — location: 1232

Even if the achievement for these women is real, it feels tenuous and scary to them; they still feel like impostors. — location: 1241

They often have an exquisite sense of not belonging, of hiding, pretending, and waiting to be discovered. — location: 1250

A simple ten-minute task, — location: 1327

Yeah, washing up isn't a ten minute task for me

Rather than a deficit of attention, this means that individuals can't deploy attention, direct it, or put it in the right place at the right time. He explains that adults who do not have hyperactivity often have severe difficulty activating enough to start a task and sustaining the energy to complete it. This is especially true for low-interest activities. — location: 1398

Many people have difficulty figuring out what the next step in a task or project should be or how to plan. They may look at the whole picture but don't know how to proceed with a job. They just can't figure out a good plan of attack (executive functioning problems). "I get up in the morning with no idea how to choose from what seems like millions of possibilities of things I need to do, how to organize my day . . . so I just sit there. — location: 1418

There is often a limitless drive for information that leads to feeling overwhelmed because the person cannot organize the amount of material that they can generate mentally. This seems to come both from being unable to ignore any idea or connection that they make in their minds as well as a need (which I have observed) to understand the whole of a subject before they can understand any part of it. — location: 1501

Often AD/HD people just need a "bridge over troubled waters"—a coach, a partner, or a professional—to help them structure their day and pick out a few things to focus on. Without that small bridge, they're trapped hopelessly alone on the other side of an island, not even knowing that they can signal for help. — location: 1504

Even today, there still exists an unwritten job description for women both at home and at work that requires great organizational skills. These job expectations create an internalized image of the "culturally ideal woman." Difficulty in matching this "ideal image" continually confronts the AD/HD woman leading to frustration and failure on a daily basis. — location: 1522

Cleanliness is next to godliness — location: 1719

I don't think this was ever said in my house but oh my gosh it was certainly implied

When a woman with AD/HD considers asking others to help her with things she believes she should be able to do on her own, she often feels guilty as if she is asking for "special" accommodations. — location: 1753]

ADHD or no ADHD, this is definitely how I feel about asking for help with things I "should" be able to do on my own

No matter how bright or competent a woman is, the reminder of these negative messages continues to hold quite a sting. They create an internalized sense of self-blame, of not being good enough. — location: 1775

Wuh Wuh. This me. I never feel good enough.

Where were YOU raised? In a pigpen? This is a mess! — location: 1835

Yeah, this one stings

Women with AD/HD fear even when they become adults that if they push too hard to get what they need, they will hear some "awful truth" about themselves thrown back at them. You are stupid You don't belong here We made a mistake. You fooled us for a while You are too much trouble. You cause problems all the time — location: 1840

Hallowell and Ratey listed the pain of underachievement number one on their list of common themes heard from people with AD/HD. — location: 1926

I don't know if underachievement is my issue per se, since I have a PhD and all, but I still feel like I'm not living up to my full potential, held back by my ability to decide on something and just do it. Plus I frequently feel like all my achievements don't count because I'm not good at "adulting"; keeping the house clean, sorting out appointments, being able to get jobs etc.

"They'll know I've just been fooling them and they'll lose all their faith in me." — location: 2033

Welp. Hit me where it hurts why don't you?

Why can't I act like a grown-up? Why can't I do these things that other people can do? — location: 2050

"How much is too needy? When is someone going to figure out it's not worth the effort and leave me?" — location: 2098

I ask myself this a lot. And go to great lengths to not seem needy

A woman who has AD/HD (inattentive type) has a real need sometimes for a time out away from other people to recharge and recover. — location: 2194

"Its difficult to always have to say the hard thing out-loud." — location: 2197

If you have problems with activation, you find it difficult and exhausting to organize yourself to move toward a goal or to initiate a project. — location: 2309

Definitely me

This looks very much like the above example, but in this case, you are bombarded by so many other thoughts and demands that you are distracted from your intent to call or have someone over. This might start off as foremost on your mind, but you become distracted to the point that the idea is lost somewhere in your mind, much like an important piece of paper lost among many other papers on a top of your desk. — location: |2318

This is also me

Yet when the friend is no longer present, the woman with AD/HD cannot always hold onto the intensity of that emotional experience, or even to its memory. In her friend's absence, a woman with AD/HD often becomes immersed in urgent-seeming issues, which all but obliterate thoughts of her friend. — location: 2326

Me. I wonder if this is related to the fact I don't tend to actively miss people while I'm apart from them? It's not until I see them again that I realize how much I actually missed them.

Talking on the phone or communicating through email, two vital methods for connection and relationship building that do not involve eye-to-eye contact, are often even more challenging. When it comes to the phone, the lack of nonverbal cues used in face-to-face communication such as eye contact, facial expressions, and gestures can make talking on the phone challenging, especially when it comes to figuring out whose turn it is to speak — location: |2342

I mean, part of why I hate talking to people on the phone is cos of my bad call centre experience, but I think this is part of it. Over the phone I have no idea whether people are getting mad at me and I just constantly assume they are.

You may feel that you cannot "play" until your work is done. — location: 2354

Well this was beaten into me as a child. I have no idea whether it's an ADHD thing cos any natural tendency was overridden by behavioural reinforcement.

You may feel afraid that when you actually do return a call that you will hear a negative tone of rejection, criticism, or disappointment. — location: 2357

Yup. And then you might as well not do it cos what's the point if they're just gonna react negatively.

Sometimes years of feeling incompetent or stupid, especially feeling as if people can't really make sense of what you are trying express, may result in "phone-phobia," a fear of talking on the phone, which often results in shame and guilt because of this avoidance. — location: 2359

If you feel the pain of underachievement, you may have a difficult time being with others of similar ability or education who have achieved what they may have originally hoped for. Instead of using these encounters to discover clues as to what you want or to ask for guidance, you wind up withdrawing and becoming more isolated and depressed. — location: 2372

I feel this. And the thing is i'm not an underachiever, I just constantly feel like one.

Medication is often an effective intervention for those who have serious problems with activation. — location: 2389

All or nothing thinking usually comes out on the side of nothing at all — location: 2409

Well crap

Remember to describe what you need objectively instead of characterizing yourself negatively. You might say, "I am not good at chopping vegetables. How about if I set the table instead?" rather than, "I'm completely incompetent." — location: 2509

The moment of diagnosis, when explained by an experienced and sensitive professional, often brings a feeling of great relief and hope. — location: 3207

Fuck yeah it did

Running on Empty — location: 3347

Running on empty there was nothing left in me but doubt
I picked up a pen and I wrote my way out

Stimulants make your brain able to use Dopamine (DA) and Norepinephrine (NE) longer and more efficiently. — location: 3477

it is important to generally learn as much as you can about AD/HD and specifically learn about your own brain by observing and noticing what works. — location: 3801

Education also goes a long way toward relieving anxiety and self-doubt, — location:|3825

Getting my diagnosis has already had a huge impact on this for me

the problems of AD/HD are also about body chemistry and not character flaws. — location: 3856

HAMMER THIS INTO MY BRAIN